Shame and the Alcoholic’s family

The Spouse

Mary Beth had married the love of her life. Greg laughed a lot, was affectionate and caring and a good provider. The couple had two beautiful children. Life could not be better and Marybeth was happier than she had ever been. There was only one little problem: Greg sometimes drank too much. Marybeth had tried to reason with him, plead with him and even threatened to leave him. When they had these conversations, Greg seemed genuinely remorseful. He even became tearful when he heard how much she suffered because of his drinking. He promised to change and for some time he would not drink or restrict his drinking to one or two glasses.
But soon enough there would be an incident where Greg had one too many, became intoxicated and acted inappropriately. There were evenings when Greg came home from work and immediately started drinking. If Marybeth made a comment, Greg would begin yelling and frighten the girls. So now Marybeth just made herself scarce and stayed upstairs with the girls. Marybeth did not know what to do anymore.

The Marriage

Recently, Greg’s drinking had become even more out-of-control. He would go to social gatherings, have too much to drink and then get into arguments with people, talk inappropriately with women at the party, and totally embarrass Marybeth.

But Marybeth did not want to leave her marriage. Greg was a good guy and she loved him. He was also a good provider Marybeth had not been in the workforce for a while. She did not believe she could handle the financial responsibilities of being a single mother. One day when the couple was arguing about the drinking, Greg lashed out at her. He told her that if she had been a better wife he would not drink so much. He told her that he was so disappointed in their marriage that he drank to deal with it. This left Maribeth dumbfounded. She took care of the house, the girls and stayed in good shape. But through his words, Greg had sown doubt in Marybeth. She began to question how she looked and if she was really good enough for Greg. After all she had gained a few pounds after the girls were born. She began to watch her diet even more closely and exercise harder. She began to measure her worth as a person based on how much Craig drank. When he drank too much, Marybeth believed that somehow she was not measuring up.

The Family

Sometimes the stress of being perfect got so overwhelming that she had no patience for the girls. If they did not pick up their toys or made a mess in the house, Marybeth would yell at them.
One afternoon, when her 8 year old daughter comes home sad because kids in her class made fun of her, Marybeth snaps at her. “What do you expect, look at your hair”.

Alcoholism is a Family Disease

Let’s look at the situation closely. Greg is carrying his mother’s shame for leaving him when he was little. But Greg refused to take ownership of his actions and projected his shame of his drinking problem on to Marybeth by telling her that he drank because she could not make him happy. In turn, Marybeth began to doubt herself and felt shame whenever she could not be perfect. Overwhelmed and stressed, she became preoccupied and became short-tempered with her own children lashing out at her daughter and transferring her own shame of not being good enough on to her daughter. In this way the cycle of shame continues and can become intergenerational with no one taking ownership of their own actions and correcting their behavior.

This is also why Alcoholism is said to be a family disease: it affects the entire family and the effects are passed on through generations.

About Rochna:

Rochna Hazra is trained in Marriage and Family Therapy at Virginia Tech. She includes the emotional, psychological, spiritual and family aspects of a person in her work. Originally from India, she combines the Eastern traditions of mindfulness, non-judgment and a holistic approach to healing with the Western approach of realism and solution-focused action.

Rochna uses Cognitive-Behaviorial techniques to help you overcome anxiety.

Rochna is also a Certified Advanced Relapse Prevention Specialist and trained in Sex Addiction and Mindfulness-based Therapy and Relapse Prevention.

Click here to learn more about Alcoholism Treatment and my practice in Leesburg, Virginia